Don't forget about My Birthday

Don’t Forget about My Birthday
September 4th, 2009
One more week. One more week and I’ll be 16. I dropped hints for the last two damn years, so they better get it for me. My stupid brother doesn’t think they will but what does he know? He’s a goddamned retard. He got a truck when he turned 16, so there’s no reason why I shouldn’t get one. His truck is alright. It’s silver, which is stupid, but he lifted it and put some bigger tires on, so at least it looks a little cooler. Last year my retard parents gave me a stupid gift card to the mall. What am I ‘sposed to do with that? I bought some video games but they’re all played out. They’re boring now. One more week. One more week. They better get it. They better get it.
September 5th, 2009
I dropped a few more hints to my mom. Actually, I straight up told that bitch, “Mom, I want a truck for my birthday.” She gave me that stupid parent response, “We’ll see,” as if I don’t know what that means. She’ll get it. She just wants me to think I might not get it so I’ll be surprised. Don’t they know they can’t fool me anymore? My retard brother deleted my blog account today. Piece of shit is gunna pay. He’ll feel like shit when he realizes my truck is gunna be ten times better than his. I won’t even have to customize mine like he did. I bet my dad will do all the work for me so I won’t have to blow all my money fixing it up like Randy did. I changed my blog account password so there’s no way Randy’s gunna crack that shit now. If he does, I’ll crack his goddamned face in! I’ll take that baseball bat of his right and wipe that skinny, pale, peach fuzz, buck-toothed fuckin’ grin right off his face. Then I’ll take his Kansas City Chiefs hat and crap all over it.
September 6th, 2009
My dad picked me up from school today in the station wagon. Why does this whole family insist on making me look like a retard? I hate him. My dad the big goober with his high-water khaki shorts on up to his nipples and those stupid novelty t-shirts of his. One of ‘em says For every animal you don’t eat, I’m gunna eat three. God I hate them all. The worst part is I couldn’t tell him what an asshole he was for embarrassing me like that because I want to make sure I get that truck. What did he think he was doing? They do it on purpose. Always trying to embarrass me and make me feel like a retard. Once I get that truck though, I’ll be outta here. I’ll steal my mom’s bankcard; pull everything I can out of the ATM and go work for EA or Microsoft testing video games. They won’t give a shit that I don’t have a degree when they see how much I know about gaming. Fuck homework. I’m gunna play video games for a living and these assholes are gunna really feel stupid when they realize I played them for the truck and their money. HA!
September 7th, 2009
‘Jack, when are you gunna clean your room? When are you gunna? JACK! JACK! JACK! JACK! JACK!’ SHUT THE FUCK UP MOM!
She comes into my room with that stupid house coat on. The thing is practically a muumuu. I could even see her old flabby titties bouncin’ around in there. Lose some weight Ma! Anyway, she comes in here like it’s her room with that tent of a house coat on and her bleached blonde hair as big as a house, smoking a nasty long cigarette demanding I clean my room. She damn well knows I don’t allow shoes in here and what does she do? She wears those dirty ass flip-flops in here that she just had on outside.
The scene went somethin’ like this.
She opened the door all lazy and tired. She flip-flops into the room with that old-lady cigarette dangling between her long chipped red fingernails practically knocking over my WWF figurines.
“Jack, when are gunna clean up this pig sty?”
She had that glassy look in her eyes like she was hung over again. I shut off my computer monitor, cuz what business is it of hers to look at my stuff?
“Mom, I’m doing stuff right now. I’ll do it later.”
She turned away from me huffing and puffing away on her cigarette staring at my stuff like it was garbage. What would she know? All she likes are stupid ceramic figurines and a bunch of useless crap.
“Well, that’s what you said nearly two weeks ago and I ain’t seen you do shit yet?”
The stupid dirty bitch put her cigarette out in my cup of Dr. Pepper. Can you believe that? This is the kind of bullshit I have to put up with from these retards.
GOD DAMMIT. WHEN IS THIS BITCH GOING TO SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!? I told her like five fucking times this week to pick me up some pizza rolls at the grocery store and she still hasn’t done it so why do I have to clean my room, huh? Give a little, get a little mom. Is it really too much to ask for one stupid thing from the store? It’s all I asked for and she couldn’t even do that. Randy cancelled MY GOD DAMN BLOG ACCOUNT THAT STUPID ASSHOLE IDIOT! I’m gunna kill him. I’m gunna kill him. I’M GOING TO KILL HIM. At the very least I’m bleachin’ his best pair of Levis.
There she is again with that shouting. “Jack, did you clean your room yet?” “Jack if you clean your room I’ll go to the store and get your pizza rolls ok?” Fucking Bitch. I’m tryin’ to do stuff here. Hold on. BRB.
Alright I’m back. Once again I told her I was doin’ stuff. What does she do? Storms right back into my room and treats me like I’m her fucking slave. First of all she slammed my door open and put a fist size hole in the drywall and my god damn Randy Travis poster.
She’s yelling at me from across the fucking house. She’s ALWAYS got to be yellin’. Then she wonders why I’m pissed off at her all the time. Why can’t she come in here and talk to me like a civilized person?
Instead, she storms in here, knockin’ over all my stuff and grabs me behind the ear talkin’ to me through her teeth like a god damn animal with her stinkin’ old-lady breath all up in my face.
“No Jack. No, god dammit. Your father is havin’ people from work over and he’s tellin’ you to do it right now, got it?”
Then she flip-flops outta my room like the fat tard that she is.
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Finally finished my stupid room. I finished it in like 10 minutes. That’ll show her. She thinks she can get me away from the computer with these stupid chores but how’s she gunna know I just shoved everything in my closet? No one’s allowed in there anyway. I’m gunna play World of Warcraft right now. BRB.
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FUCKING RANDY! FUCKING STUPID PIECE OF SHIT BROTHER! MOTHER FUCKER CANCELLED MY WORLD OF WARCRAFT ACCOUNT! I’m really gunna kill that piece of shit now.
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ARRRggghhhh! I tell my mom what Randy did and what does she do? NOTHING! UUUUURRRGGGHHH! She’s pissed at me. Not Randy, me. Just cuz I yelled at her. What else was I gunna do? She yells at me from across the house. Why can’t I do it, huh? Double fuckin’ standard, that’s what it is. So yeah, I yelled.
“Mom! Mom! Get in here! Mom! God Damn Randy! You jerk. You stupid jerk. I can hear you laughing outside the door Randy.”
And I could too. Piece of shit was laughing at me from behind my bedroom door.
“I can here you asshole. I hear you laughing,” I told him.
Then when forever went by and my mom just sat on her fat ass, I yelled.
“UURRRRGGGHHHH! Mom! Fuckin’ do somethin’ already!”
Then I get slapped. Me, not Randy, the real perpetrator. All I did was cuss and I get slapped. Now I’m gunna have to pay for a new World of Warcraft account out of my allowance. No. NO! Fuck that! My mom’s payin’ for it, whether she knows about it or not.
So what’s the one thing my mom does say to me?
“What’s the problem Jack? Your father has people from work over. Do you have to make such a big deal over everything?”
What a bitch.
See? See what I mean? They’re so stupid they can’t even see who’s at fault here. Stupid brother deletes my World of Warcraft account and my blog account and she yells at me instead. RETARDS! They better get me that truck. They better. I’m gunna run right over Randy. vvVVRRROOOOOM! Right over his pimple covered stupid head. SPLAT!
September 8th, 2009
It was so funny. Today in class, people were looking at me like, “Do I get an invitation? Am I gunna get to go to your birthday party?” Pppfffftttt. You wish dorks. I only gave out two. I’m pretty selective. I gave one to Jenny and one to Todd. Of course Todd gets one, cuz he’s my best friend, the only one that deserves one, and Jenny just cuz she’s hot and it would be nice to have a hot chick at my party for me and Todd to look at. She’s kinda stupid, but what do I care? Most chicks are stupid anyways. She actually did not know who Randy Travis was. Can you believe that? I went up to her in the cafeteria the other day when she was sitting with the other cheerleader bimbos. I plopped down next to her to let her know who’s boss. Chicks like it when your authoritative ‘n shit.
“Hey Jenny. What’s up? D’ya get the new Randy Travis cd?”
She flipped her bleached blonde hair over her shoulders and kept her bimbo eyes on her lunch. She practically ignored me. All she said was, “No but my sister gave me an old Def Leopard cd and her Alanis Morissette collection.” She just chomped away at her bubble gum and her stupid friends just giggled and got up to leave. I told her those bands were gay and if she wanted to listen to somethin’ good to give me a call.
When she sees my new truck though, she’ll notice me then. Guys aren’t that shallow but you know chicks are. I see all those cheerleader chicks hangin’ out with all the tough football guys with their big lifted 4x4s covered with mud. She’s gunna shit when she sees mine. Damn she’s hot. I’m gunna go take care of business before I slept. Damn she’s hot.
September 9th, 2009
Bitch totally ignored me in the lunchroom today. I sat down at her table to tell her how cool my party was gunna be. This time I didn’t plop down. I eased in there like a cheetah, right before he moves in for the kill. Real smooth. Just like how I’d fuck her.
“Hey Jenny. Boy I feel sorry for the suckers who aren’t gunna be there at my party,” I told her.
I did this while looking at all the other retards in the cafeteria, but not at her. Chicks like it when you ignore them.
She stood up and left her tray of food behind like I was some kinda disease. Bitch was even wiping her hands off with a wet-nap, as if she’d catch something from me. She used the expensive kind too. I think they were Kleenex brand. Why can’t she just use a regular napkin like a normal person? She made up some bullshit excuse about needing to do some homework before class. If she doesn’t get with me, she’s gunna feel like a retard when I get my new truck on Friday. Then I’ll just go out with her friend Priscilla and make her super jealous. I’ll arrange for Jenny to come to my truck for something when Priscilla’s goin’ down on me. Then she’ll feel like shit. Two more days. Two more days.
September 10th, 2009
Finally got back on World of Warcraft. My mom had to pay for me to get a new account. I told her I’d burn down the god damn house if she was gunna let Randy get away with that. She knows I was bluffin’ though. Hopefully. I don’t want to mess up getting the truck. I did the dishes for her after dinner just to make sure. I tried calling Jenny to remind her about the party but her mom said she wasn’t home. I left like four messages so she better remember. Todd came over and played video games today. Todd’s kind of a dirty S.O.B. but I don’t mind. He’s a hell of a gamer. Even if he is like that kid from those Peanuts cartoons. What’s his name? Pigpen! You know, the one that always had a cloud of dust around him. I told him my plan. He thought it was sweet that I’d be playin’ video games for a livin’. He asked me if I could get him a job when I get to Silicon Valley but I just gave him that stupid parents’ answer, “We’ll see.” One more day. One more day, and I’m outta here.
September 11th, 2009
I did it! I did it! I couldn’t believe how easy it was, but I did it. I couldn’t believe how surprised those fucking retards were. They got what they deserved though. I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel bad at all. I feel great. How could they? How could they have done that to me and not know what was comin’ to ‘em? Cuz they’re RETARDS THAT’S WHY! What did they expect me to do, wheeling out that piece of junk clunker on me? Right next to the garage door, where of course the first thing I would grab would be Randy’s bat. How come they looked so surprised huh? How come they didn’t even move or try to run? Because they’re fucking retards, that’s why. You should have seen the thing. A tiny little S-10. It couldn’t have had more than 4 cylinders. It was a joke. The paint was comin’ off and it was rusted just about everywhere. You couldn’t even tell where I bashed it in with Randy’s baseball bat cuz there was so many dents in it. Good thing Jenny didn’t see this. Chicks don’t like violence. When they see blood they always freak out like it’s a really big deal. She probably would’ve called the cops and told ‘em everything. “Oh my God, Oh my God! You bashed their heads in.” Yeah, well, she wouldn’t say that if she knew what retards they were. How they treated me like I was nuthin’ all the time. Always trying to embarrass me. Always trying make me look like a retard. Todd didn’t come either but it’s probably better that way. He’d prob’ly go to the cops too. He always was a tattletale. Well Randy. You stupid jerk. I got your truck. What now? I guess silver ain’t so bad. Silicon Valley, here I come.